It's the last day of March. The beginning of the end.
Time is slipping past my fingers faster than I can grasp hold of it, to take control of it.
I'm the kid staring at the hour glass for hours on end, trying to figure out how long before the sand runs out.
Because I'm gonna run before the place blows.
I'm taking control of today. I'm going to finish all of my homework before the Blackburn-United match at 10pm. And I can finally enjoy my long awaited football. ♥
I can't afford to mess up anymore. I used up my last chances. I used up all of my apologies. I used up all of my wishes. It's the end. It's the beginning. It's the only shot I've got. I have a couple of months to aim, to figure out where I want to shoot. And when I pull the trigger.
It either hits bullseye or I just pulled the trigger next to my head.
I'll tell you how's life like bleeding on the floor.
It's funny. They tell you that when you grow older, you gain wisdom from life. As far as I'm concerned. I grew older. I didn't grow wiser. I just know how much this world can screw you up in a single second. I know how more things work. I know some people inside out within a year. I know how to make you smile. I know what makes me smile. I know what I want in life sometimes.
But I am certainly not wiser. I don't know the secrets of life. Wished I did. Wished we all did. Maybe I won't have to deal with idiots on a daily basis. Maybe I won't be so screwed up as I am now. Maybe I'll be living in some perfect universe. I want to live in my daydreams. They are perfect.
I am wasting my time sitting here typing on this little white space. Why do I even bother? I don't know.
I will die if I don't write anything in a day. It can be anything. My name, a doodle, a scribble, a single line of nonsense. I want to be writing masterpieces 20 years from now.
I went through another, "Smile! Why aren't you smiling?" episode on Friday. I smile.
I just don't think you/they deserve it.
The only thing that can make me truely happy. That will be the day when we finally have a conversation face to face. I'll say something. And you'll flash me your colgate smile. The real smile that I rarely see. Not your plastic smile you paste on every morning before you leave your house. The one that makes me forget the world. Sometimes.
Fate and the ocean is against us.
$15 Borders Voucher. I'm blowing it on a Chuck Palahniuk book. I am thinking "Diary".
10 more minutes before this place blows. I'm wasting it away watching one of my heroes.
I will work my ass off to try to get out of this place.
I must if I want to live my dream. And I will get there. I will achieve my dream even if it means giving up my life.
my whole plan is to get better.
to figure out what went wrong
to figure out what is wrong with me
to figure out how to push myself.
I redid the sums
I redid the calculations
I am thinking of redoing myself.
But what's the point.
When I'm not okay with who I'm going to be.
I'm not okay with what I will be.
I'm not even sure I'll be okay with my future.
To be okay.
To be your okay.
To be the expectations.
I will have to burn my principles.
I will have to lock them up.
Put them in a closet. Throw the key into a well.
I don't think I'm ready for it.
I'm lying in a ditch.
I'm waiting for you to crash into me.
Or for me to crash into you.
It's impossible.
So just grab a towtruck.
Tow me out of here.
I'll be happier without the expectations.
I won't sink so low to your level. Don't worry.
Overnight and me don't go.
Church tomorrow, my little escape from reality.
Oh you know I think I have achieved a little of my dream.
Somebody wants to be a Xerox copy of us/me.
We're so worth the hearing you'll lose.
And if tattoos were needle-less and erasable when I want them too.
I'll have a ribbon drawn on my wrist.
And write, "DO NOT OPEN BEFORE CHRISTMAS."
It makes more and more sense to me everyday.
Oh and love,
your clothes don't fit this season.
goodbye.
♥xo
Labels: aspirationsdreams, black days, dreams, me+you oneday, perfect world, wishes
forever kids are magnets for each other ♥